The Comfort Zone

Why are you running the Grand to Grand Ultra? This is the question I have been posed most frequently over the past few months. So many People find it hard to comprehend why a Person would put themselves through the ordeal of running 270(ish) self supported Kilometers through the Grand Canyon. So everytime a Person asks me the question why I'm embarking on this adventure, I always get stuck on words, its simply a Feeling I can't describe.

After a month of injury and being plagued with a gnarly cold, I have had a lot of time to question myself on why I am doing this. Because my Training had to be comporomised due to the issues I was having, an avalanche of self-doubt came over me. The Training runs I did do were either uncomfortable because I had this nagging niggle above my ankle or I felt sluggish and powerless because of the cold I was fighting. For the first time though, I listened to the voice of my Body and decreased my running drastically to prevent myself from getting a serious injury. I usually embrace the attitude of "just one more run, and by tomorrow it will miraculously be better". That naive thinking has always run me into Trouble and resulted in stress fractures that have forced me to hit the wall and stop running for Extended periods of time. This time I decided to listen and test my willpower in a different way, to step out of my safety Zone or comfort Zone, which is enjoying the freedom of running everyday and the peace it gives me, and decrease my mileagae until my Body gave me the green light telling me it was ready to go again.

I was petrified of not running as much. I was unsure how I would handle myself, how I would occupy myself, where I would find a Substitute outlet. I was scared of having thoughts get stuck in my head, because when I run my thoughts are also in Motion, its as though I'm meditating in Motion. What if I was Standing still? Would my thoughts stand still as well and consume my mind like anorexia did? I came to find that my thoughts still moved, but I had to find a different way to let them move and observe them. I found a beautiful bench perched high above the village where I would hike to everyday to Meditate. At first I couldn't Focus... I had no Patience... I would get irritated by bugs and bees. As I persevered my mind began to calm down and my ears would trace the sounds of the things, first in my immediate surrounding, then Extended into the distance. My thoughts came and went, my Body relaxed. I visualized myself running through the Grand Canyon and a Feeling of joy and peace came upon me.

As I progressed back into running I felt comfortable with a slow build up again. I didn't have the Feeling that I had to make up what I had lost in physical Fitness during that time , because in reality I had gained so much more in a mental way.

I was so far outside of my comfort Zone CHOOSING not to run. Thats when I realized that the beautiful Thing about comfort is that we don't always have to move within it, but its always a place we can come back to and be rewarded with that welcoming Feeling like coming home!

I ran through the beautiful mountain hinterlands this morning and as I was (what it felt like) dancing down and gliding up the trails, I realized why I want to do this race. It's because running and the Feeling I get from it is simply an eye opener to how we should experience life regardless if we're running, Walking, sitting, living inside or outside of our comfort zones, on happy or on less happy days...

So here is my answer to why I am running the G2G Ultra - because running is my metaphor for life, its my life Mantra "RunWithLife, RunWithEndurance"!

Like the weather

There are days where I crave nothing more than the solitude found in the mountains, encountering nothing but sweet trails, wild animals, the peaceful advice of the mountains and the occasional technical adventure. I also love the unpredictable nature of the weather in the mountains; peaceful blue skies can be surrounding you one moment and in the next, you can feel the weight of the storm clouds above you, ready to roar and rumble.

I awoke to a blue sky that framed the mountains, the golden sun smiling at me, luring me outside and inviting me on a spontaneous adventure. I quickly filled my backpack with water, food and a change of clothes and set foot on the trail that passes by front door. I didn't feel like thinking, so I followed the direction my subconscious directed my feet to go.
I love that feeling of "going with the flow", allowing yourself to be surprised, learning to trust in your gut feeling and, in effect, switching off your mind giving you the liberty to absorb your surroundings, and quietly observe your thoughts.

The heat of the sun was radiating off the ground, magnifying its intensity, as I began ascending the rocky trail towards the Schilthorn. As I crested higher towards the summit I found snowfields in which sheep where laying, cooling themselves from the sting of the raging sun. I figured that it was quite a smart thing those sheep were doing, so I did the same, stripped off my shoes, letting my feet sink in to the freezing cold snow, before I lay down and glared up at the sky. It was so still, cloudless, but the energy of the air was changing... I could feel tension, a tug of war between the hot and cold air, I could smell that a storm was brewing in the distance. I slipped back in to my shoes and descended the snow field by shoes skiing, one of the funnest things ever, and typical to my style, I came to a halt by face planting into a muddy patch of snow. What can I say, it's a unique talent.

With the Schilthorn in sight, I knew that would be my destination. As I gained altitude I also gained in the density of the blanket of fog that began to engulf me. The fog seemed to absorb the steamy heat and turn it into a chilly sheath of air. The fog began to dance around, occasionally engulfing the beautiful scenery of Eiger, Mönch and Jungfrau only to reveal it again in all its glory. The fog became a great distraction to the intensity of the uphill hike, and before I knew it I had sumited the Schilthorn, perched high above an ocean of fog.

Taking the cable car down was not an option, even though I began to see storm clouds rising up behind the mountains. I spontaneously decided to follow the direction of the first sign I saw (that lead back to Mürren). I began descending behind the Schilthorn in direction of the Rotstockhütte, traversing a beautiful ridge, climbing over boulders and crossing rapid rivers. The tension in the air was building, but I was too immersed in my immediate little world that I never looked up at the sky until I took a stack and landed on my butt, forcing me to glare up at the sky and the monsterous dark clouds that were etching eerily close.
From growing up in the mountains, I knew that theses clouds were welcoming a major storm, which alerted me to pick up my pace and make my way home as quickly as possible.

I had a good 2 hours of descending ahead of me before I would be home, so my adventure became a race against the elements. I knew that there was a certain risk involved with getting caught in the storm, but the feeling of playing with nature and its elements was so much fun. Within only a few minutes, the mountains were hiding behind a thick curtain of dark cloud and the first signs of lightning were visible as they hit and light up the sky.

Thunder began to shake the ground and I was a good 30min away from home. Hikers began to seek shelter from the rain that was shooting from the sky like soft bullets, that turned into hard bullets of hail. I kept running. For some reason there is nothing quite as liberating as running in rain, being cleansed by the sky... it feels so reviving. Hikers were seeking shelter under tin roofs, but I felt it to be a safer option to just keep running. I'm not sure if that was a smart call or not, but I got home safe and thats the most important thing.

I got home and reflected on the run. I realized that we are not so different from the weather; we have many different weather fronts within us... sometimes we radiate with sunshine... sometimes we live in a world of fog, not seeing ahead clearly... sometimes we are the storm. No day is ever the same, so why should we always be the same!?

Keep on Keeping on!!

The YinYang of parents

My parents are the Yin and Yang in my life; two contrasting energies that compliment one another and create a Balance in my life.

Mum and Dad couldn't be any more different in many ways. Mum is extroverted, explosive, a worrier and not very sporty. Dad, on the other Hand, is introverted, mellow, a thinker and very sporty. There is one thing though, that does not contrast at all, but rather is projected in the exact same way - their unconditional love for me, the truest and purest kind of love anyone can receive.

There have been many trialling times with my relationship between mum and dad, individually and collectively. I was astranged from dad for an extended period of time, in a way that we didn't know how to approach one another anymore, creating a huge distance (physical and emotional) between us. I moved to Australia with mum some years after they divorced and it proved a struggle to maintain an intact relationship with my dad.
Mum and I have had the typical Mother/Daughter arguments, one of which resulted in mum moving out of home for an extended period of time. I know... you'd think she would have kicked me out, but even when shes angry at me she simply wants the best for me.

There was a time, after mum and dad had split up, where they weren't the Yin and Yang in my life. They were still two contrasting Forces, but not in a harmonic kind of way, they were working against one another, not with one another, even when it came to me.

The Yin and Yang syombolizes continuality and flow, and I believe when that flow is disturbed in the relationship between the parents it disturbs the Balance within the child(ren). Mum and Dad have found that Balance in their relationship again, as parents.

Eventhough it sounds Cliché, those trialling times have made the bond between me and my parents stronger. My parents know (Close to) everything about my life, I value their opinion. I have learnt that they only have an opinion because they care and want the best for me, not because they want to criticise me. I have also learnt that their idea of 'best' isn't neccessarily the best for me, but they give me the freedom to grow and develope into my own kind of best, helping me find my path when I get lost. I have learnt that mum and dad do, sometimes, know me better than I know myself. That they can help me understand myself when I have no idea who I am. That they believe in my dreams. That they will catch me if I fall.

Eventhough mum and dad aren't together as a couple anymore, they are still very much together as my parents. Their energies flow in such contrasting ways that they work together as one  -  the ONE being my Parents, the Yin and Yang of security and happiness in my life.

Words don't have the capacity to express the amount of love and admiration I have for my parents. I am thankful to have Louise and Werner as my parents, they are the best parents to me.

Unconditional Love forever.

Natures playground

I love that the days when you struggle to find your running mojo, and find every excuse possible to delay your departure, end up being the days you have some of your best runs!!

Today I struggled to get my run on. I knew i didn't need to run, but I wanted to run, but at the same time didn't feel like running. So I made a compromise with myself, that I would head out for a lazy trot, just long enough to catch some fresh air and sunshine.

I sluggishly headed for an easy and familiar trail. My feet felt heavy and I struggled to get settled in my stride. I was hesitantly expecting to hit the legendary wall, but in the magical way the body and mind work, I began to find my groove. I felt how my pace began to increase, how my body began to stand taller and how I was infected with this familiar urge to play on the trails.

The awesome thing about living in the mountains is, that there are always plenty of trails to choose from. Growing up here I had this confidence that I'd seen them all, or so I thought. I spotted this little trail that veered off into the woods with no signs marking the way. My adventurous mood kicked in and I began a steep uphill climb towards the mountains.

As I crested the trail I felt an incredible feeling of serenity and fulfillment. I took a moment to sit on a rock and marvel at the vibrancy of nature that was framed by the Majestic mountain family - Eiger, Mönch and Jungfrau.

The realization hit me how important it is to have flexibility and fun with training. That its okay to stop and take a moment to enjoy the moment; That is what keeps the fire of passion burning. As soon as we get too rigid and caught up in structure the passion turns into more of an addiction and/or obsession, and eventually loses its spark. 

The trail was a mystery to me, I had no idea where it would lead me to. It ended up leading me to the worlds funnest and most adventurous playground, where I got chased by little calves, danced over mud and snow, scrambled over rocks, crossed gushing rivers, avalanche fields and, of course, slipped on cow shit. 

It was amazing to traverse the snow fields that were the fuel for the gushing rivers I had crossed earlier. It was liberating to shoe ski down the snow fields into lush grassy fields. It was fun to engage in a chasing game with the cute calves. It was mesmerizing to see the lively flowers reveal their blossoms after a long winter.  It was humbling to feel like a part of that world.

Hours later I found a familiar trail that led me back home.  I returned revived and energized, thankful that I had found my running mojo.

"Be like the melting snow -- Wash yourself of yourself"

Moments of happiness

As my feet danced over the pavement along the outscirts of the SempacherSee and feeling the warmth of the suns golden rays on my body, I felt a wave of happiness crash over me. Its that moment of complete fulfillment, when you are vividly present in your life, not reliving the past or pondering about the future. It's that moment when the world feels like its standing still, your senses awaken and your mind has an uninterrupted connection with your feelings. It's that moment when all tension melts away and is replaced with an energy that revitalizes your whole being. These moments can be temporary or they can last an extended period of time, but too often, we are caught up in our own little world and let those moments of happiness slip by.

Happiness doesn't have to be earned, happiness IS! Too many people are moving in a world where they allow their happiness to be dictated by external factors. Of course materialistic aquirements can create happiness, but its of the temporary kind, the kind of happiness that acts as a bandaid for internal dissatisfaction.

I often felt like I could mould my happiness through what I had, what I achieved and what I could be. Those moments of aquirements, achievement and aspirations did lend me happiness, but then that nagging voice would start questioning me if I even deserve to be happy.
Thing is - we are all special and unique in our own way, and we all deserve to be happy. The greatest joy though, comes from within and loving the person you are at that moment in time. So many people SEE YOU (the person!!)... But we often dont see ourselves, instead only see the expectation we have of ourself and life.

It is a bit cliché to say, but the people who CHOOSE to have the least tend to project a satisfaction and completeness that is infectious and near impossible to oversee. They strip life down to its bare minimum and find the essence of self. They
let go of the notion that happiness makes life easy, instead realize, that true happiness, makes life easier.

It's learning that people and materialistic rewards don't create happiness, but in actual fact, add to the happiness that already lingers within. It's learning to let go of the dependancy of those external factors to make us happy and, instead, get in touch with the intrinsic feeling of happiness.

I felt the cool breeze brush over my body as the crisp air filled my lungs.
The moments of happiness began to compile creating a state of happiness. I realized that, like running, happiness is a feeling in motion, a feeling that, like each stride, never feels exactly the same. The truest happiness is the one that radiates from the inside out... The one that isn't expressed in words, instead with the beautiful facial expression which we call a smile! :')

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.”
― Rumi

The Trail

As I looked down the technical, steep and narrow trail I was filled with fear. I could see it happening; how I would twist my ankle or tumble as I tripped on a protruding root or stone. My body stiffened and my heart rate increased as my fear and apprehension grew. After minutes of internal monologue my mate finally began the descent and I followed in his footsteps, or tried to.
I was mesmerized by the elegance of his descent. He floated down the trail, dancing over rocks and roots as though they were his dancing partners and kicking up a solid speed. And then there was me, squirmishly tip toeing down the trail, ensuring that I wouldn't trip or hurt myself, ironically tensing up so much that, no matter how slow I went, I still ended up tripping and rolling my ankles. As we hit the bottom of one section, and Yannick had been waiting for me for quite some time, I asked him: "how do you run down the trail so fast and securely? I just don't get it." His answer was simple, "lose your FEAR, TRUST your feet and let it FLOW."

As I was lazing at home, licking my wounds from the multiple tumbles and missteps, I was triggered to think that a trail is not all that different to our path of life. If we approach that path with fear and apprehension we are per programming ourselves for a fall or "injury". Because, as soon as we allow fear to invade our lives it sends tension through our whole being; physical, emotional and mental tension. It causes an interruption to your natural flow. Sometimes fear is associated with caution. Trying to avoid a, potentially, bad outcome. This caution however, gives us the space to over think or over intellectualize things. Just like on the trail - if I spend too much time thinking about my next step I will very likely trip on my current step, because I forget to be in the moment and flow.

A trail presents you with the most unexpected yet, at times, obvious obstacles. Rocks and roots lay scattered along the ground, sometimes covered by slippery leaves only to surprise you as you step on them and quickly have to adapt your step. If we don't stay present it is hard to adapt your step, because you are already focusing on the next. Those steps aren't always elegant but you need to finish that step before you can take the next.

A trail teaches you to be in tune with your body, to open you mind - body connection. To perceive with the eye and adapt with the body. To feel into yourself and flow in motion. It reveals the meaning of the word Trust, which outshines the feeling of fear.

As the months have passed and my trail running has increased I have had more time to play on the trails. I have allowed myself to feel fear and let it go. I have allowed myself to Trust the ground over which my feet dance. I have allowed myself to move with my flow of motion and not against it. Trails give me so much pleasure now, because we have, and continue to, evolve together. It's not always a harmonic relationship and the trail still likes to test my skill, but I always remember that I was the one who chose to run that trail.

Run freely over your path of life. Lose your fear. Enjoy the beauty. Let yourself fall. Get back up. Run with life!

The Yin and Yang of food

To say that I am a good cook is an exaggeration. I can cook, and occasionally enjoy the process, but when I'm hungry I want to eat. It doesn't have to be ultra flavorsome or special, it simply needs to satisfy that nagging pain in my stomach, the emptiness that sends my mind all fuzzy.

The beautiful thing about cooking and food is, that you can shar the pleasure and deliciousness with friends, as it was for me last night, when a wonderful friend, Linde, came over and cooked for me. Not only did she cook simple wholesome food, she opened my eyes to the glory of foood and the true meaning of -Fueling your Body-.

My relationship with food has been a rather testing affair over the past 10 years. Living as an Anorexic greatly obscured my views on food. Iwas living in a world where food was a lethal enemy trying to sculpt me into an ugly being, distorting my physicality. In reality the image my mind created was distorted. Every meal I HAD to eat was met with great anxiety.
I feared being around food that was being cooked because I was convinced it would leach into my skin and cause me to get fat.
I feared eating the food because I could feel how its poison (fat) was flowing through every part of my body, latching itself on to me.
I feared the aftermath of eating. The mental punishment; hours of calculations, weighing, exercise and panic as I witnessed my stomach swell to an unhumanly size, leaving me unable to move with shame.

It all started innocently, with the idea to try and lose a kilo or two so I could see if I could manipulate my body into the shape I desired. I made mild changes to my diet and exercise, ate a little less (without excluding food) and exercised a little more (I was already a very active kid). It didn't take long until I saw the first kilo drop. I liked the scales reassurance, but I didn't like that I didn't see a physical difference. There was only one way forward -  lose more weight.

I'm still not sure what image I was chasing. Maybe I wasn't chasing an image, rather seeking approval and validation. Maybe I wasn't seeking approval and validation from others, rather from myself. Maybe I wanted to reflect perfection and beauty. Maybe I was in search of myself, but got even more lost in that search.

My eating became more controlled and compulsively calculated. Everyday would be the same routine - wakeup do 100 pushups, 100 crunches and 1000 skips (same would be repeated at night). I would continue with breakfast by cutting an apple into 40 pieces, eat one piece, have a minute break before I ate the next slice. It took me 1hr20mins to eat the damn thing. I would maky my way to school preparing for the teasing comments of other kids because of my fragile physique. 'What are they talking about', I would think, 'I'm just being concious about my health and appearance'. I would go home at lunch trying to figure out how I could eat as little as possible without stirring mum's attention. Then I had to punish myself for eating by exercising for hours until my mind was fuzzy, my vision hazy and my body drained of every drop of energy. Then I would face dinner, mostly alone... At 6pm on the dot, just me and a yoghurt, no one watching me other than Anorexia.

Food was my enemy, Anorexia was my friend. She only wanted the best for me, or so I thought.

I hit rockbottom at 31kg, which is when I got admitted to hospital and my fight to gain back my life began.
In the process of gaining back the control for my life I met my great Love - RUNNING. Over time, I learnt that I needed fuel to reciprocate the love running was giving me. I slowly began to trust in the food I chose to eat, allowing my physique to gain shape, and my body to heal from the ordeal and my mind to find peace.
As my running has grown stronger over the last year, or so, so has my freedom as I let go of the control over food. Ironically I started fuelling the tank with whatever I desired, even food that would have been Tabu not all that long ago.

As Linde and I were sitting and enjoying the flavorsome feast of Tempeh, homemade Hommus and a devine Carrot Salad, Linde began to talk about food and its effects on the body. I was completely drawn into her words as she passionately spoke about the Yin and Yang of food. Yin (female) being food that is good for you, mild in flavor, yet wholesome and nourishing. Yang (male) being aggressive food, strong in flavor and often processed, the type of food that isn't so favorable for the engine.
As I ate, I could feel the explosion of flavor in my mouth, how the goodness of what we were devouring was reviving me from the inside and how light and energized I felt afterward. I felt satisfied.

Being healthy doesn't mean you need to be thin and lean, it doesn't mean you can't carry an extra few Kg's. Being healthy is conciousness of your WHOLE being. Respecting your body and striving to nurture it as best as you can.

DON'T MISUSE AND ABUSE YOUR BODY.
FIND YOUR BALANCE.
FUEL YOUR BODY AND SOUL.
RADIATE FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
You only have ONE body!!

Enjoy x